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Get Inside the Mind of a ‘Jersey Puller’ | Conor Breen

Jersey Puller (n.) :- definition;

A girl who actively “attaches” herself to members of the local G.A.A. team. Infamous for sporting so much fake tan she looks like the love child of Snookie and X Factor’s Rylan. Has achieved all life ambitions if she beds a Senior Inter-County player.

“You hear about Sophie and the captain down at the Club Bingo the last night? What a jersey puller!”

In Shakespeare’s King Lear, the tormented protagonist spends days upon the Heath where he runs about naked, howling at the skies and cursing his life. However, amidst the madness, he has a lucid moment where he finally sees the world for what it is. During the bedlam of last year’s Cork County Championship celebrations, I too was overcome with this Shakespearean-like clarity. While admittedly fully clad, I like Lear looked around and saw my surroundings like I never had before.

What I saw was “Jersey Pullers” everywhere. Every morning for the next week following UCC’s victory, young girls skimpily dressed (not too dissimilar from Lear), teemed out of houses all along College Road. The image of one particular girl doing the walk of shame is imprinted on my mind. I can’t decide however what was more embarrassing for her, the fact that she was announcing to the alumni of UCC that she’d done the dirty deed or the fact that she was wearing your man’s Roscommon G.A.A shorts. The “Jersey Pullers” were out in force. This was their Championship. Those biting cold December nights were tough but these women’s perseverance was now bearing fruit. Drinking bans were no more, so now they had UCC’s finest sporting produce at their disposal. These innocent athletes would spiral into a state of inebriation and the women would pounce. A young fella in his drunkenness would not be able to deceiver whether a woman looked like Georgia Salpa or Michael Lyster – a prospect more terrifying than Marty Morrissey’s forehead.
Rearden’s Bar on a Sunday night remains the Mecca of Jersey Pulling. This is where all the women congregate after a tough weekend of watching their men in Championship action. Failure to get in the turnstiles of Rearden’s means the girls will sometimes have to succumb to the “back door system” and bide their time in Havanas until the footballers steam through. Their victims arrive and for the second time that day the Predators™ are out. These girls have themselves dressed in clothes tighter than Paul Galvin’s pants. They latch onto any breaking ball they can get their hands on. For most of us when we think of the “Gooch” we think of the carrot topped Kerry maestro, but for these ladies it has an alternative meaning. Ironically their behaviour is more akin to a soccer player, as they are renowned for going down easy.

“But I don’t play football for UCC, how is this article of any benefit to me?”
…see that’s where you’re wrong.  I like many others was not blessed with sporting talent. The record books will tell you I have four bronze Community Games Medals, but in reality only three people competed in my parish each year. When I’m after a few jars, my friends will tell you that I like to reminisce my solitary goal that I scored for Tralee Dynamos some five years back. While it was a rather sweet strike, in my sobriety I can admit it’s clutching at straws. I believe, however, that just because I don’t excel on the football field doesn’t mean I should be made an alien to a whole host of potential female suitors. Oh sure I can throw out the classic washed up rock-star card, but believe me that ship has sailed. If you reckon that you immortalise 90’s T.V. show “The Renford Rejects” with your lack of sporting ability then listen closely to my nuggets of wisdom . I now realise we must play these “Jersey Pullers” at their own game. I now understand the working of these fascinating female minds. We must lie.

Raid your home and snatch any article of O’Neill’s merchandise that you can get your hands on. O’Neills is a proven aphrodisiac, an agent which acts on the mind of the “Jersey Puller” and causes arousal and heightened sexual desire. Appeal to their senses by ensuring that the items of clothing are covered in grass stains and reek of deep heat and bodily odour. Next is the importance of acting the part. With G.A.A. stars it’s all bravado when they are out on the town. This was put best by a famous Western philosopher who is quoted as saying, “they are like a horses cock, big when they are out”.

     So in the nightclub, thrust your chest forward as if you are some genetically modified pigeon. Throw some dirty looks at first years who you know you would be able to physically compete with. Tip, if you don’t possess overly large arms, try and keep them out of sight as best you can, it’s a giveaway that you don’t lord the gym. Remember “Gah” players lord the gym. If you want to really get into character bring out a pair of crutches and pass it off as a bad football injury. The beauty of this is that you will garner sympathy also. Just make sure she is aware that your ailment does not affect your sexual performance in any way. Ok, so the “Jersey Puller” is approaching, don’t panic. The key here is not to bore her, realistically she has no interest in how your local team is fairing in the County League. What she wants is the glamour. She seeks the high life of a G.A.A. W.A.G. Hit her with the inter-county material. Tell her you have just broken into the County senior team this year. Say how in the upcoming season review in the Irish Examiner Tony Leen has described you as “The Future of the G.A.A”. Pretend to receive a phone call and then laugh it off, “Ah god, it’s Shefflin on the piss again!”

At this point she is all yours. To quote T.V. icon Jimmy Saville,” it’s child’s play from here on in”. It’s a wonderful feeling when you watch the “Jersey Puller” walk down your drive way the following morning. It’s like the ecstasy you feel when scoring the winning point in a Munster Final…well I assume that’s how it feels. You know that you have got one up the world, a world that deprived you of any sporting prowess. I want to take a moment however to say that these women deserve some recognition. They have been the “bedrock” of the G.A.A. since 1884, sticking with their men through thick and thin. In fairness there is many a ginger corner back that would never have lost his virginity or left the family home had it not been for “Jersey Pullers”. A wise old man once told me that the only time a man can be described as “Cat” and still get women is if he is a Kilkenny Hurler. What a wise old man he was.

20 comments on “Get Inside the Mind of a ‘Jersey Puller’ | Conor Breen

  1. This is so derogatory from a female perspective! You just sound like a lonely prick.

    • Glad to see I’m not the only person who thought this.

    • Get a sense of humour love…if you feel so strongly sit down with a bottle of vino at the weekend, write a rebuttle and send it into the paper. X

      • Comments for publication can be sent to editor@uccexpress.ie

      • Conor, you have to accept that even though the article is humorous in tone this doesn’t excuse the fact that it is completely mysoginistic and is essentially slut shaming any girl who so happens to to sleep with a GAA player. God forbid they might have any other reason to have sex with them other than increasing their social status.

        And your poor attempting at disarming Siobhain by insinuating she’s over reacting is laughable. The comments section are here for a reason and who cares if your article is so popular it doesn’t give you any authority.

      • Or maybe it’s just poking fun at something a lot of girls do end up doing, whether it be down to said footballer’s status or any other reason?

        It’s obviously tongue in cheek so how about you have a bit of self awareness and laugh it off? You clearly have no problem with the writer passing ‘gah’ players off as a bit simple or one track minded so it might be wise to be ‘equal opportunities’ with your outrage. Honey catches more flies and all that. Jumping down somebody’s throat with accusations of misogyny isn’t going to make them immediately see the light is it?

      • Here I’m stating what the article is. I wouldn’t have said anything if he didn’t dismiss Siobhain’s completely.

        And I don’t think that the mis conceptions of GAA player’s intelligence is on par with sexism? If it is I do apologise.

    • [Comment removed for inappropriate language]

  2. You do realise that this article also takes the piss out of ‘Gah’ players by suggesting that they can’t pull girls unless they are ‘jersey pullers’ . .. .in effect any girl they pull are deemed to be ‘jersey pullers’ which in effect is taking the piss out of ‘Gah’ players. This article is clearly tongue and cheek, it should be taken with a pinch of salt. Chill out a small bit and take it on it’s comic value!!

    • Paul, I’m not an idiot. I read it. I laughed. But it’s still sexist and misogynistic and I’m going to argue that point until the bitter end.

  3. Definition of satire
    noun
    [mass noun]
    the use of humour, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people’s stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues:
    the crude satire seems to be directed at the fashionable protest singers of the time
    [count noun] a play, novel, film, or other work which uses satire:
    a stinging satire on American politics
    a genre of literature characterized by the use of satire:
    a number of articles on Elizabethan satire
    [count noun] (in Latin literature) a literary miscellany, especially a poem ridiculing prevalent vices or follies. a humorous social commentary

    To be a girl in progressive 21st century Ireland and not to be able to accept this as satire and comic relief ( because lets face it in 21st century Ireland we have more to be worrying about than sexism) breeds of a worrying and needless female inferiority complex that only propagates male insistence on misogynistic behaviour. Laugh it off and lighten up, don’t rise to it. Its a comic interlude in a student newspaper, it’s not indicative of societal norms and it implicates the players as much as the girls. Conor I enjoyed it and I laughed heartily. Good man yourself.

    • I’m a guy so I don’t have a female inferiority complex. I also don’t think that anyone has to accept something that they find offensive, if the article was racist/homophobic would people be telling them to shrug it off and not rise to it? Sexism is still a big problem in Ireland even in its most minute forms and should be challenged no matter where it is.

  4. I have to jump in here and say that I agree wholeheartedly with Kieran. Sexism (of both sexes as this article demonstrates) is a huge problem in Irish society, writing, advertising and even legislation. While I do not believe that the writer of this piece set out to offend, he would be better served by acknowledging that he has rather than insulting those who raise a point against him. We are made better writers through listening to criticism. Can we please accept that people are entitled to their opinions and leave this thread at that?

  5. I do agree that there is a stigma attatched to standing up against sexism/women’s rights these, as if by suggesting that more needs to be done for our gender (I’m female), you’re a butch dickburning hairy lesbian who has a chip on her shoulder against the male sex. And I think if this article did purport that ALL female UCC students are sluts who are mad for any lad with a hurl, then it’s totally out of order.

    But the article is a satire based on culture that does exist in UCC amoung a minority. Sure it doesn’t put me up or down who sleeps with who, just don’t bore me to death talking about what a legend that hot Cork minor who played in the 2010 final is and how sound he was to let you wear his o neill trackies on the way home.

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  7. Haha this is absolutely hilarious, so funny and true!! Know so many girls like this, the GAA hoodie is whipped out and boom shes in there like swimwear! Great article, made me laugh!!

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    • Comment was removed due to inappropriate conduct, personal attack and homophobic language. Comments guidelines coming soon.

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